• That they no longer have motivation for things they once loved doing- Depression can effect your motivation and can make you withdraw from hobbies you may have once enjoyed.
• Upset- This is one to be careful of as everyone goes through stages of being upset, however those with depression will likely feel this way for majority of their day to day life.
• Guilty- Depression can cause a persons thoughts to blow things out of proportion and their mind can go on overdrive leading them to feel guilty about something they may have done. 
• Anxious- People with depression often experience symptoms related to anxiety. 
• Irritable- their tolerance level can become extremely low meaning that a lot more situations/people can start to get on their nerves
• Hopeless- They may feel like they have nothing left and nobody to turn to and that things aren't going to get better.
• Low self esteem- People with depression will usually feel bad about themselves and a low self esteem can actually be one of the causes of depression. They will usually harshly criticise themselves and their actions. 

Competitiveness in eating disorders is something that I don't feel is discussed a lot. People feel ashamed of their eating disorders but another form of shame comes along with feeling competitive with others in the same situation as you.

For me personally I was quiet about my eating disorder for ten years so it was something I felt very attached to and protective of. I was jealous of other people that would openly talk about their issue and I would look at them with thoughts like "Yeah, well I'm ill too!" "I need help too.". This sounds so awful but eating disorders are awful. They change your mind set and make you think disturbing thoughts. My eating disorder would look at others that had eating disorders and tell me I wasn't sick enough, I didn't deserve help because I didn't look like that person which would then make me want to look as poorly as that person as a cry for help and a way to prove to people I was ill.
A time when I struggled with this most was the month leading up to me starting my group therapy because I was in the mind set that everyone was going to be slimmer than me and that they'd judge me so I needed to lose weight to look like them (I had never even met them before so had no reason to assume any of this). Your eating disorder wants you to be the thinnest one in the room which leads you into a vicious cycle of competitiveness and comparison.
When you have an eating disorder you don't ever win. No size will ever be "good enough."

I remember being in group therapy and I don't want to go into too much detail about it because it wouldn't be fair but there was a girl in the group who was more vocal about her struggles and it did feel like she was quite competitive about making sure she was seen as the worst and I remember getting mad about it during every session and I would rant about it to my mum. I would be thinking whys she saying these things? why does she think that? Why is she trying to make it out like she's had it harder than the rest of us? When in reality she was just being more vocal about what she had been doing than any of the rest of us. She was ill. I was ill. We were both in the same situation. We both deserved recovery.

Due to the attachment I had with my eating disorder I felt like it was mine and I didn't like it when somebody else expressed they had the same struggles because in a way, it felt like they were taking it away from me. I do think that the competitiveness comes from anger of the things that you've gone through and the things that you've done to yourself because to you the things that you have put yourself through are so huge so if you have somebody else saying I did this or I did that then it can feel like the behaviours you used yourself have been somehow dismissed and that hurts.

Now that I have got out of that mind frame and it does make me look back at old thoughts I used to have and think why?
Why did I ever want to be the unhealthiest?
What was so attractive about being seen as the unhealthiest?
The reality is I thought that way because I wanted to justify that I was poorly enough to get help. I wanted to know that the things I had put myself through weren't going to be ignored.

Everybody has their own story and their own struggles and there is no point comparing them with other  peoples. We are all worthy of recovery ❤️

Todays post is one that I never normally do as I will be discussing a Netflix show. The particular show today will be "13 reasons Why."
Some of you may be aware that I am a Film and Television graduate so I have spent years studying how to create film and television shows and it is something that I am passionate about and like to discuss but haven't before on this blog because this blog is a mental heath blog not a Film and Television review blog. However… The show that I am going to talk about contains taboo subjects and is relevant to this blog due to some of the story lines involved, so I thought I would write up some of my thoughts.

This post may contain some spoilers so do be aware of that before continuing on. All thoughts are my own and I am not saying you should agree with me so if you do have any opposing views do feel free to leave comments and let me know your personal views on the show 😊. Now lets get straight into it…

I first decided I would watch the show because I knew that Pretty Little Liars was coming to its last season and I needed a new series to watch. Now I didn't realise every episode was available straight away when I first started to watch it, so I thought that like Pretty Little Liars it may be updated weekly. Due to all the episodes being available I did watch them all in a shorter space of time than originally planned. Each episode is around 50-60 minutes long and there are 13 episodes in this season hence the "13 reasons why." as each episode is dedicated to one of the reasons.

The story revolves around Hannah Baker. A teen who ends her life and leaves a series of tapes that she pre-recorded before her death which are addressed to people who had an impact on her decision to commit suicide. Each of the 13 tapes are focused on what different characters did to her while she was alive (some seeming rather minor compared to some of the heavier topics that are heard through her own voice). She has clearly planned everything out down to what order she wants the tapes to be listened to and the fact that she has the characters going around town to different locations.



The show is great at raising awareness for bullying and showing the consequences that could happen through bullying behaviours. The show does show that you should treat others as you would like to be treated and it raises awareness for other issues such as suicide and slut shaming.
I would say that the key aspect of the show is that it shows that actions that may seem trivial to others could really deeply hurt somebody else. Through the use of the storyline about the poem being printed it shows that something an adult wouldn't think twice about is something that could feel like the end of the world to somebody in a vulnerable situation. I remember being at school and feeling like the way I was being treated would last forever and I don't feel that the show does enough to show that this isn't true to its audience (a lot of whom are of the age of the characters and are still in school).
Another aspect that I think is importantly reinforced is the devastation that suicide leaves behind. Showing how Hannah's parents struggle to cope with her death is so important. It shows their confusion as to why she did this which, I think shows parents that there isn't always huge warning signs when they're child is crying out for help.

I think that it is important to highlight the stories that are in the show and to raise awareness and the show definitely does this through the use of its scenes which contain dark matters. The show intended for these scenes to make its audience feel uncomfortable as it reveals the harsh realities of the experiences that Hannah goes through.
My issue with the show is that it focuses so much of its attention on the "reasons" and that may cause some of its younger more vulnerable audience members to make irrational decisions based on smaller circumstances. Also the parts when she tries to seek help and is basically ignored is something that I did not like as these kind of things are already difficult to be brave enough to talk about, so to show her pleads for help being ignored isn't really encouraging for its audience to seek help but I must say that this does slightly redeem itself at the end of the show when it shows that Jessica is about to seek help by telling her dad.
I am really glad that it has done so much to raise awareness on bullying, suicide and sexual assault but I do feel there was too much blaming of other characters and not enough of a discussion on the mental health side of Hannah's problems and her consequentel suicide.

I enjoyed the show and I am glad that it is creating an open discussion about bullying and is raising awareness to suicide however the show contains scenes that could be extremely triggering to some people and it should be watched with caution by those that are in a vulnerable situation/place.


Lorna
xxx

Today is going to be another quick post to tell you about a petition that you should all take a look at.

These days with the rise of social media influencers from youtube stars to instagram models, it is easy for us to feel like we should be successful at a younger age as we constantly see photos of people our own age going on luxury holidays, attending red carpet events and being cover stars of some of our favourite magazines.
I am 22 years old and everyday I see these people online and compare their lifestyles to my own. Its hard not to get jealous seeing someone my own age buying a mansion and living out their dreams whilst I'm currently working unpaid and living at home with my parents with no money to have a social life.
I think we put way too much pressure on ourselves to have succeeded already and play down what we may have already overcome just because we aren't making as much money as people we see online everyday. I have discussed this with a few of my friends and it seems like we are all in a similar mind frame when it comes to feeling down about not achieving what we feel is enough.
Im sorry but we are in our early twenties and we shouldn't expect ourselves to have our shit together. We are recent graduates still trying to find our feet in a world where most jobs are asking for more that 3 years experience for an entry level job! (Don't ask Im just as confused as you are).
A lot of A-list celebrities didn't make it big till they were in their 40s but they got there by not giving up. Look at Samuel L Jackson, one of Hollywoods most treasured stars he gained his award winning role in "Jungle Fever." at the age of 43. Vera Wang didn't enter into the fashion designing industry till she was 40 years old and look at her now!

It okay that we don't have everything together. Its also okay to admit that you may be struggling. Everything happens for a reason and I really do believe this.
I think we all need to stop comparing others successes to our own. Not everything you see online is "real." and you never know what these people are going through behind closed doors themselves.

I have achieved so much in the past year. Things that I never thought I would have been able to do and I need to keep reminding myself of that. My achievements should not be downplayed just because my life isn't perfect. Nobodies lives are perfect, even if thats what it may seem like from the outside.
I managed to graduate from university whilst struggling with my mental health. I was discharged from the hospital that I was attending weekly for therapy sessions because they thought I had progressed so much that I could do it on my own and they were right! Yes I still have days were I struggle but I have done amazingly and have come so far and Im proud to be able to say that. I have the most amazing family and friends that I could wish for. Yes I might be working unpaid right now but it is a job that I enjoy and that will hopefully lead me into more paid work in the career that I have always dreamed to have.


Heres to hoping in a few years I can look back at this post whilst I'm sat on a beach somewhere drinking a cocktail writing my next screen play laughing at how worried I was for no reason 😂
But for now 22 year old Lorna is just going to try her best to stay motivated and to stop comparing herself to others! 

Todays post is going to be aimed at people that may be concerned about somebody they knows behaviours around food and their body. I am going to be listing some signs that could point towards somebody having bulimia but please keep in mind, just because somebody may do some of these behaviours it doesn't mean they definitely have an eating disorder and also somebody doesn't have to use all these behaviours to have an eating disorder.

Physical signs

• Swelling of the cheeks (hamster/chipmunk cheeks)- This is a sign that is harder to hide. Self induced vomiting can cause the face to swell (particularly the parotid glands). This happens because of the water loss which happens with self induced vomiting you end up with water retention in your glands. 
• Teeth discolouration- The acid from your stomach, which is brought up during a purge, strips enamel from your teeth causing discolouration of the teeth and can cause tooth decay. Also because the sufferer may not be getting the sufficient nutrients the teeth can become weaker. 
• Marks on hands/knuckles from self induced vomiting- You may find that a bulimics hands have cuts and callouses on the fingers and particularly the knuckles due to using fingers in the throat to induce vomiting. This happens because of the teeth biting or scraping the hand/fingers from the gag reflex. 
• Fluctuating weight- Typically a bulimic is of an average weight (personally hate that term, but we shall leave that for another post). I know for me personally throughout my time with bulimia my weight would fluctuate a lot depending if I was going through a stage of starvation and then into a binge/purge stage because my body was trying to cling on to whatever I was eventually eating. 
• Smell of vomit- This is an obvious warning sign. If you go into their room when they've disappeared after a meal and you can smell vomit or if they come downstairs from using the toilet after a meal and their breath smells like vomit or even sometimes tooth paste as if they've just cleaned their teeth or rinsed with mouth wash this is a huge warning sign and should be taken seriously. 
• Over exercising- Bulimics may tend to have an obsession with exercising. Obviously exercise is healthy for you but be aware if somebody is taking it to an extreme. 

• If the toilet flushes multiple times- If someone has purged in the toilet the remnants of the vomit may still be left after the first flush. Somebody who is trying to hide their eating disorder will want to ensure all signs of the purge has gone so therefore may need to flush the toilet multiple times. 
• Toilet paper placed in the toilet after flushing- This is another thing some people may use to hide remnants of a purge as you can still be left with floating bits and the toilet paper conceals this and also absorbs the greasy layer that may be left after a purge. 
• Disappearing after meals- If someone disappears to the toilet after meals consistently this can be another sign of bulimia. If they are spending a long time in the bathroom that is something to look out for and also if you hear the tap running they may be trying to conceal a purge. It doesn't always have to be disappearing to the toilet though. I used to be aware people would get suspicious if I kept disappearing to the toilet so I would shut myself away in my bedroom instead. 
• Evidence of a binge- If someone is binge eating there is more than likely going to be wrappers that they need to hide. If you come across a large quantity of wrappers or containers that seem like there has been an attempt to hide them then that is something to be suspicious of. You may also find receipts that have been thrown out or hidden which contain a large amount of food on. A lot of bulimics may also have secret stashes of food ready for when they have the impulse to binge so be aware of that if you find hidden food. 

Psychological Signs 

• Isolating self- When suffering from bulimia a person can want to isolate themselves as it brings their mood down and they may not want to socialise. Along with that, another factor of isolating themselves is the obvious reason of wanting privacy to binge and purge. 
• If they make frequent negative comments about their body image- If they seem to be obsessive over their appearance and their weight or if you see them constantly body checking in mirrors this could be a warning sign. 
• If they show signs of anxiety, depression, self harm or have a lot of mood swings. Sufferers of eating disorders can also have trouble with other mental health disorder which can push them further into their eating disorders. A lot of people with eating disorders use they behaviours as a coping method for their anxieties. Due to the strain they put on themselves with their bulimia it can cause sufferers to have a short temper especially when being questioned about their behaviours. 

Obviously some of these warning signs do not mean that a person definitely has an eating disorder. Please take into consideration that somebody may just have a low self esteem and need help building their confidence. These are just a few signs to look out for if you are worried about somebody and their relationship with food. If you feel like somebody you know may have an eating disorder talk to them in a calm and understanding manner and show them that you're there to help them and if they do have a problem make sure you support them with the next steps of going to a GP.

                                                           Hope this post may have helped you
                                                                                 Lorna
                                                                                 XXX

Just a quick post for you today. There is currently a petition going around with the eating disorder charity Beat to ensure that GPs are given the full training when eating disorders are involved and also to get an increase on funding for specialist services.
For me personally my experience with my GP was a really good one and she handled everything with care and understanding. However, unfortunately a number of people who approach their GPs do not get treated the same way I did and are turned away if their weight isn't considered dangerous. It is important that eating disorders are treated quickly and efficiently before the patient falls further into the cycle of the eating disorder. The sooner someones eating disorder is discovered the more chance they have of recovery so it is a huge benefit if the GPs can refer them as soon as possible instead of them being turned away.

I have put the link to the petition below and would highly encourage you all to take a look and sign it. All that is required is your country and your email address.

Lets make a change so that eating disorders become more widely understood.

Lorna
xxx

https://campaigning.b-eat.co.uk/page/6557/petition/1?ea.tracking.id=facebook

As well as all the obvious coping techniques and all of the hows and whys I have learnt whilst in the process of recovery, I feel that I have also learnt a few life lessons that could prove useful for others and it is also helpful for me to actually see them wrote down as it is there as a reminder for myself too. Lets just go straight into the things I have learnt over the past two years…

Its okay to admit things are not okay
Im one of those types of people that can't admit things aren't okay, but I'm also the kind of person who's face says everything Im feeling. The combination of those two aspects of myself always ends up with being asked if you're okay and having to grit your teeth and say every things fine. I don't really open up to people unless I'm 100% comfortable with them and I tend to push people away but after opening up to people I'm closest to Ive realised they haven't judged me and anyone that does judge me isn't worth my time. I now know that I can go to my mum when ever I feel like Im having a bad day and tell her and she will help me through it.

You will have bad days.
You aren't going to miraculously be able to get over everything as soon as you seek help. It takes time and there will be days that are worse than others but you've just go to acknowledge your feelings and not let it ruin the progress that you have been making. The best things in life do not come easy :)

If things get on top of me and I use an old eating disorder behaviour it is not the end of the world
Yes you do feel a bit of shame but do not let that shame push you back into your disorder. Accept that it has happened, try to recognise what has triggered it and think of what other coping method you can use the next time a trigger occurs.

Don't take your emotions out on those closest to you
This is something I used to do a lot and is something Im still trying to deal with now. I would get angry about everything and because I didn't have another outlet I would take it out on friends and family who didn't deserve it as they were only trying to help. I have had quite a few arguments and fall outs because of this and it is important to recognise when you're in the wrong and apologise for it and open up about why you acted out so that they can understand. Although I would advise talking about how you're feeling instead of waiting for an argument to occur haha.

People aren't talking about you/judging you as much as you think
I get paranoid way too quickly and my anxiety makes me feel like people are judging me or talking about me, which isn't realistic at all. There is no point worrying what others think of you because in all honesty they're probably too busy worrying what others will think of them instead of standing around judging you.

The thoughts you have about yourself and believe to be true are not always the truth
Everybody has insecurities and most of the time the people around you won't even be aware of the thing you dislike about yourself. When you look in the mirror and see your problem areas it doesn't mean everybody else notices it. It is hard to look in the mirror and not see/focus on the things you dislike. People are way too self critical and in some cases the things you hate about yourself will be the things others think are beautiful and unique.

Don't think you will be happier if you just lose a little bit of weight
Allow me to let you in on a secret… IT WONT MAKE YOU HAPPY. You'll always want to lose a little bit more. Work on accepting yourself as you already are and that will make you so much happier.

Don't let your illness define you.
Yes I might be somebody who has dealt with an eating disorder but my eating disorder is not the only thing I am. It is hard trying to see yourself with out your eating disorder and this was one of the very first things we had to do in my group therapy. It is so important that you see yourself as more than just your eating disorder because this makes it easier for you to recognise and separate your "eating disorder voice." to that of your own thoughts making recovery so much easier.

It has been a long two years of working towards recovery but I'm happy with the stage that I am at now and am thankful for the opportunities I was given by the hospital. I hope you've enjoyed all of this weeks posts and hope they may have helped you in some way and if you are trying to work out if you should speak out and get help then I hope these posts have helped to show you that it is the best thing you can do for yourself.




                                                                  Lorna
                                                                    xxx

After I had opened up to people closest to me things didn't get better straight away. There was a lot of situations that bothered me and made things difficult. In this post I am going to talk about the things that I found difficult to cope with at the time so that if anybody else can relate to these things I can show that it is normal and that it does get better, you just have to work through it.

Admiting things I had done
It was difficult discussing with people all the things that I had done through out the time with my eating disorder. Obviously things that you do due to your eating disorder aren't seen as "normal" behaviours and some people can find it shocking so it was scary to open up about it but most of the people I did tell where all understanding about it so that was helpful.

Opening up to other people e.g. friends/ other family members/ doctors
This was another thing I found difficult because I didn't understand if people had already had suspicions or not and it was strange having a variety of people either say things made sense to them or that they didn't have a clue. I wasn't always aware of how to react to them or how much I should tell them.

Feeling like everyone was watching me eat
I think this was probably the thing that I found most difficult. Obviously people are going to be worried about you once they find out so they are going to try their best to monitor you, although this is a good thing, when you still have an eating disorder it is so hard sitting there eating knowing people are watching you because your eating disorder is telling you " they're not going to believe you, you're sat there eating." and then it makes you more paranoid about what you're eating/how much you are eating and you have all these thoughts running through your head. It gets easier the further into recovery you get.

Not having the freedom to use behaviours I was used to
Once your loved ones know about your disorder they will probably do their own research into it so they know the signs and when you're in your eating disorder this will anger you because all you want is to be left alone so you can take part in your behaviours. I wanted to be able to be on my own after meals but my parents would take me out on a walk so that I couldn't.

Having to be weighed at every appointment
I absolutely detested having to have this done. I hadn't been able to weigh myself in so long because my mum had thrown the scales away at home and my flat mates at uni hid the ones we had there which meant I didn't know how much I weighed myself so I was uncomfortable getting on scales in front of hospital staff because I didn't want anybody to know my weight. I still don't weigh myself to this day because I know that is something that will trigger me.

Feeling like people wouldn't believe me
This thought I had a lot. This thought is what sent me into self destruct when I first told anyone about my disorder. I lost a lot more weight once I opened up about it because I felt like I had to prove to everyone that I really was ill because I was that desperate for help. Please don't think that you have to do this. Eating disorders do not have a shape or size and the professionals know this. You do not have to prove yourself to anyone. Just be honest about what you're going through.

When you keep things to yourself for so long it is scary to allow others in on the secret. You'll be wondering if they believe you or not or that they're going to change their opinion of you but if someone does change their opinion of you even when you've just had the courage to open up to them then they're honestly not worth your time. Luckily for me I didn't have to deal with that as everyone was supportive so just take the chance and tell someone so that it can make it easier for you to deal with. You shouldn't have to deal with it on your own.


                                                             Lorna
                                                              xxx

This post is going to be discussing what happened during my evaluation at the eating disorder clinic that my GP referred me to. I hope that by sharing my experiences it will help to push other people to seek help if they need it.

On the day of my evaluation I was extremely nervous and was convinced that they would not believe me because I wasn't skeletal. My mum came into the hospital and sat in the waiting room with me and stayed there whilst I had my evaluation. I was sat in the waiting room for what felt like forever and my mind was racing with too many thoughts to even make sense of. I was sat shaking, nearly crying and I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. Im shocked that I didn't actually walk out at any point.

I was actually really nervous to even ask my mum to do this post because although these days I am honest with her about my eating disorder and when Im feeling down, we've never really discussed how she feels/felt about everything and I think in some ways I have purposefully avoided asking her about it because its hard for me to hear how my eating disorder has affected those closet to me but if these kind of posts can help any other person suffering with an eating disorder or a parent thats child may be going through something similar then I am willing to discuss it openly :') p.s anything in brackets in her answers is me explaining what she is talking about so that you can understand her answers properly.

For this post I will be asking my mum some questions relating to my eating disorder and how she felt when she first found out and how she has dealt with it since. Now I am just going to say that a few tears were shed from both of us when I sat down and talked with her about it all and this was probably the hardest post that I have had to write because it isn't fun hearing what other people have gone through because of your disorder but anyways I'm just going to jump straight into the questions and her answers now…

What was your first thought/reaction when I first told you over the phone?
My first reaction was oh shit. How are we going to deal with this when you're not here (I was  studying at university at the time) and I can't see you. It was hard being told over the phone because I couldn't cuddle you or come to pick you up straight away.

Had you ever been suspicious that I may have had an eating disorder before I actually told you?
I knew that you had been throwing up but thought it was because of your medical condition from when you was younger ( I think I mentioned in my eating disorder story that when I was around six years old I was throwing up a lot after I had eaten and there was something wrong with my digestive system so I had tests done and they thought that I had Stomach Emptying Delay). I knew you had been throwing up when I found bits of sick in your toys when you was younger but thought it was due to what you had been seeing the specialist for. If I'm honest I never linked it to thinking you may have had an eating disorder.

In case anybody that is reading this is worried a family member may have an eating disorder, looking back now do you recognise any warning signs that you didn't realise were there at the time?
Yeah loads. Once you find out the actual issue every thing just connects. For example you coming home from school in a jumper in the summer with a bright red face when it was boiling outside and your room used to smell bad and we didn't know why.

When did it first hit you how bad I had actually gotten?
Looking at photos you had printed out the other week made every thing come back seeing how small you had gotten but before that when I came to pick you up from uni and you'd hide under baggy dresses and jumpers thinking I couldn't tell but I would notice when I would hug you. Also when you went back to uni and uploaded photos of your nights out and I could see that you were getting skinnier especially one of you in a blue skirt and white top (Photo below, excuse that it is blurred and the caption). I realised how bad the situation was when I took part in the parent and carers group because they explained what the problem was in more detail and how badly it would be affecting you and they taught me how to deal with it and make it easier for you.



Did you understand it and did you think it was something I would easily be able to get over with help?
I knew from the start that you'd never get over it fully and it would always be there but hoped that you'd learn how to cope with it and fight your way through it, with us their to help you.

Do you think that it affected our home life once you all found out about it?
Yes. It was hard trying to help your brother too. We knew he understood and he was good at dealing with it but it was difficult when buying food because he had to have a box for his chocolate upstairs because we didn't know how you would react having junk food in the house. We didn't know if you was going to be upset or angry. When you would come back from uni we would have a clear out and would stop buying fizzy pop so that you had no empty bottles to be sick in. Your dad found it hard not having you here and thats why every time he spoke to you on the phone he would ask what you had eaten for your tea, it was worrying. We had to learn to try have a tolerance to it and be patient with you and let you deal with things at your own pace. Thats why I found those groups helped because I couldn't talk to people about it as much as I wanted to so I found it helpful to talk to people going through similar things to us.

Did you know anything about eating disorders before all of this happened?
Only really what you read in magazines. I read a lot of magazines and theres always other peoples stories in them.

What was the Hardest part of it all for you?
Not having you here and you being at uni. Not being able to be there for you when things were getting on top of you and not being able to just give you a cuddle but we didn't want you to drop out of uni because you had come so far. It was difficult having to see you deteriorating over photos you'd upload to Facebook but I also wanted to see you upload them so I could keep a check on you.

How did you deal with it/what helped you through it? 
The parents and carers groups. Support from the rest of the family like your grandparents. Knowing you had a good group of friends around you that I could also talk to. Being able to phone Chloe and text Sham (my housemates). I felt like I could talk to them to find out if you was okay or if you had been locking yourself away in your room again. It was also helpful knowing that I had their numbers and they had mine in case they started to notice things too.

Did you ever blame yourself?
Yes. I blamed myself for not noticing and asked myself many a time how could I not have noticed.

Are you now able to recognise when I'm starting to relapse into old behaviours?
Yes, I think. You're a lot more honest about things with me now. I would like to think that you know you can come to me when you're struggling and that we can help each other through it.

Do you have any advice for other parents/carers?
Seek professional help immediately. Be patient and understanding. Don't push them to your pace, they need to do it at their own pace and it won't happen over night. Be prepared to be in it for the long haul. You might have a quiet couple of months and then something can trigger them but hopefully you will have built up a trust with each other so that they feel they can come to talk to you and you can work through it together.




I hope some of you reading this may have found it helpful and if there is any other questions you have for me or my mum leave them in the comments :)

Lorna
xxx

Okay so if you read Mondays post you will know that two years ago on the 6th of February I told my parents about my eating disorder. Previous to me telling them about it, I had managed to keep it a secret from them for 10 years although during those 10 years I did tell a couple of friends about it but had never attempted to seek professional help.

Today marks the two year anniversary of when I first properly started the process of recovery. This time two years ago I could have never imagined that I would have ever got the help and to be honest if it wasn't for the fact that I was drunk I would probably still be dealing with it in secret. This time two years ago I was living the most difficult part of my life so far and it was an emotional week of having to admit things I had been trying to hide for so long to people that I was close to and also doctors who were strangers. I had tried to tell my parents numerous times before but just accepted that I would have to deal with it on my own forever because I was embarrassed and ashamed of what I had been doing. Also the fact I had been dealing with it for 10 years on my own I had convinced myself everything was fine when in reality it was far from it. I think I have said on this blog before that me admitting I had an eating disorder was a very impulsive move that I made when I was very drunk and phoned my mum after a party at university and it did take me a few times to actually get the words out as I was crying so much I couldn't breath and as soon as I actually said it I instantly regretted it and hated myself for doing it but looking back now it is one of the best things I could have ever done as I no longer have to keep this secret and I've been able to get help and support that I've needed for so long.

I can't tell you that things get instantly better because it doesn't, in fact for me personally, I would say things got worse before it got better because I felt like I had to prove to people that I really was ill so I went on self destruct but I am doing so much better than I was this time two years ago. Yes I have bad days and no I'm not fully recovered but I am on the right track and I am so much more aware of why I did those things and when I am most likely to use those behaviours.


The past two years of recovery my weight has been up and down more times than I can count. I was still obsessed with taking photos of my body to check how it was looking. I took my anger out on people who were only trying to help. I spent way too much time in and out of hospitals and the doctors. I had times when I would still starve myself, I still had times when I would binge and purge but I also had people to talk to when I needed somebody to open up to, I had months when I wouldn't use any kind of eating disorder habits, I was able to keep on top of my bloods and heart rate to know if my body was coping, I was able to explain why I was moody or upset. My mum was able to go to a parents group so she could learn how to deal with it and also get support she needed. I have been given nutritional help. I have been part of groups where I have been able to talk to people going through the same things as me. I have learnt so many things that I didn't even know was part of my eating disorder. I have been given a chance to live with out my eating disorder and thats the best thing that I could have been given.

If you have stumbled upon this post then it probably means you're already in the process of figuring out if you should speak out and get the help and I am telling you to do it. You probably will regret it at first as your eating disorder will be telling you you're stupid and you're going to gain weight in recovery but those voices get so much easier to quieten and deal with once you've accepted you have a problem and get the help and support you deserve. Just please do it and if you need any more advice/have a question just comment on here and I will reply.

Since it has been two years since I had a week of telling family, friends and doctors about my eating disorder, I am thinking of doing a post every day for a week and I will do a separate post about when I told my parents, I will do a post with my mum so you can see what your parent/carer might think and then I might also do one on my evaluation at the eating disorder clinic so you know what to expect when you go for yours.

Look out for more posts over the week :)

Lorna
xxx

This is a bit of a different post but I thought it would be helpful to show what songs I listen to when I'm finding myself going back to having disordered thoughts about myself. I took inspiration from the playlist that is shown on the rise up app as they have a lot of helpful things to keep you distracted and to keep you feeling motivated in your recovery process so I would recommend taking a look at it as you can also show your therapist what you have documented on it.

I feel like if I write down some of the things I want to achieve in 2017 on this blog then it will motivate me to actually get them done because I won't want to get to the end of the year read this back and feel like I've failed haha. So here goes…

2016 for me was the first year I started to take my recovery seriously and was determined to get better. I actually did really well with my recovery last year although yes there was times when I felt bad and did binge/purge/restrict but something that happened last year for me was being able to rationally think once I had a slip up and realise its not the end of the world and to accept it had happened and acknowledge other coping strategies for the next time I felt like I would slip into some unhealthy behaviours.  I was having cognitive behavioural therapy and eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing therapy throughout 2016 till I was discharged from the hospital in September which I will go into more detail about when I do breakdowns of the months below.

January-In January I had my 21st birthday. I had two parties one at home with family, family friends and a couple of friends from home and I also had a joint birthday party with my housemate in our uni house and got to celebrate again with my university friends. The theme was 90s and 00s so our guests dressed up as singers and characters from those eras. We had a Britney Spears, Amy Winehouse, Inspector Gadget, Scary Spice and Avril Lavigne to name a few. I had such a good night and got lots of nice presents. In terms of my eating disorder I was doing quite well at the point because it was the new year and I was determined and motivated to get better.

February- In February I started journaling as a way to help my recovery. I was watching a few mental health youtubers and noticed that some of them had said that journaling aided their own recoveries. I started using it to distract myself after meals/when I was having destructive thoughts. I would just sit and doodle or write down how I was feeling or fill out sheets I had been given in therapy and then stick them in. I still do journal now and have been thinking of doing a blog post on it. During February I started training for our last practical uni assessment which was multiple camera studio show. I had already done an assessment in the studio but people in my group hadn't. I think this is when it actually started to hit me that uni was very nearly over which upset me. I also found out the film that I directed got a first which I was obviously very happy with.  My best friend had his 22nd party which was a Grease themed party so we all had a good night dressed up as pink ladies and T birds.

March- Most of March was taken up by my last practical assessment as we had to plan it, rehearse it, build a set and then film and edit it. Even though it was stressful I really did enjoy it because the people in my group were all my friends even if we did start to stress each other out. We did a chat show about independent films and I loved building and decorating the set. It was weird walking out on the last day knowing that was the last time I needed to attend any class at uni. I think I was still doing quite well with my recovery at this point because I was out of the house a lot for filming so was distracted.

April- In April I know my mood was down for most of it because I had a huge amount of dissertation stress over me. I basically lived in the library with my friends Lauren and Gabby and because we were at uni I was just buying hotdogs and sweets and bottles of coke because it was easier than going home to make something to then have to walk back to the library. Obviously as someone with an eating disorder if I'm eating a lot of "unhealthy," foods, I will over analyse it and get caught up in my head which was making me ill again because I would come home after spending the day at uni and would purge and then also because I was feeling bad I was comfort eating so it was just a big cycle of feeling down. To make things worse I couldn't sleep because I had shitty neighbours who thought it was appropriate to play loud music from 12 at night till 7:30am! I also had to go shopping to look for a graduation ball dress and anything to do with trying clothes on for an event distresses me because when I would go in the changing room and have a dress on my eyes would go directly to what I saw as a problem area. I remember crying whilst shopping because I couldn't find anything that made me feel good. It wasn't all bad though me and one of my friends decided we needed to have a good night out to distract ourselves for a bit so we went to carnage which is a student night and it was good to get out for a night.

May- May started to look up because I handed my dissertation in meaning I was finished with uni forever (was sad about it but glad to get the work handed in after a stressful month). The day we handed our dissertations in we went straight to the Su bar and spent the day drinking and having a laugh which was really nice because we knew it would be one of the last times we would probably all be together. My graduation ball was also in May and I've got lots of nice and funny photos from that night. The food was shocking though, extremely over priced and they gave my friend Sham a plate with three berries on for dessert! The night didn't go as I wanted it to because I wanted all my housemates to be sat on the same table together which didn't end up happening but after the meal it was fine because we could go over to them and we also went to the Su bar afterwards together and it ended up being a really good night. May was really weird as I was happy because I was spending so much time with my friends but it was also making me sad because at the back of my mind I knew it was getting close to saying bye to them all as they moved back home. I had a last course night out, which wasn't actually my whole course it was just my friends from my course but we had a really good night got quite drunk and emotional but it was bound to happen. At the end of May was when things got bad because everyone was going home and I hate saying goodbye to people so much :(

June- In June there was only a couple of us left. So me and my friends Sham and Shannon spent a lot of time together. We went to Blackpool for the day and played in the amusements and walked on the beach and ate donuts and chips which was a nice day out but Shannon moved back home a few days after that and then I moved out too and had to say good bye to my best friend Sham and had a mini meltdown. Was horrible saying bye to him and also knowing that was literally the end of my whole university experience. Think I cried the whole way home haha.
The rest of June was me trying to settle back into home and looking for jobs. My little cousin Megan had her prom which she looked beautiful for.

July- July was probably the month that I was the most unhappy that I had been all year. Reality really started to kick in that I wasn't going back to uni and I was really missing my friends. I felt like I was doing nothing with my life except working in a job that wasn't what I wanted to be doing and due to the work hours I wasn't getting to eat as much/when I should have been so that started playing on my mind and because I felt bad it was making my disorder worse. I started EMDR therapy during this time and it was really difficult for me as I had to discuss past memories which have affected me like when my Grandad died and being bullied. If you are unaware of what emdr therapy is I will be writing a blog post about it and what my experience with it was like. Also in July I had my first night out in months for my friend Tasha 21st. We went out in Leeds and I got pushed down a flight of stairs but carried on partying like the good friend I am only to find out in the morning, when I went to the hospital, that I had sprained my ankle. Even though July was the worst month of the year, I had the best day of the year in July… MY GRADUATION! I got to spend the day and night before graduation in Southport with my parents and grandparents which was really nice as it was warm and we spent the day out. On the actual day of my graduation I got to spend it with my family and some of my closest friends which was really nice as I hadn't seen some of them since we all moved back home. It was a day when I felt really proud of myself because I can honestly say multiple times during the three years I was ready to drop out due to the state of my mental health but I got through it and graduated with a 2:1.

August- August was a really boring month most of it was spent applying for new jobs based on the career I actually want to have because I ended up quitting my job as my therapist said that she could tell it wasn't helping my recovery because it was making me feel down all the time. My uncle passed away so me and my family went down to my aunties house in Windsor for the funeral.

September- September was the month I was finally discharged from the eating disorder hospital! I had my last therapy session and was told it was time to try on my own now but that if I ever needed them again I could call them. After being discharged from the hospital I decided I wanted to go on holiday because my 21st birthday present from my parents was a holiday, so me and my friend Natasha booked a last minute holiday to Greece and because of this I was getting paranoid about being in a bikini again so I was definitely being a lot more careful with what I was eating but I wasn't going back to eating disorder habits because I had just got out of the hospital and was trying to stay motivated. My brother moved to university at the end of September too, which was strange him going there knowing I wouldn't be going back.

October- Me and Natasha flew out to Greece and had an amazing holiday with some lovely people. The weather wasn't the best and the nightlife season had basically finished so there was only a couple of bars still open but we still enjoyed it. I was a lot happier in October so again I wasn't taking part in any eating disorder habits. At the end of October I went back to university to visit a friend and although it was a good night it just wasn't the same not having everybody there.

November- November was the month that I spent with friends and going on nights out with my cousin so I was enjoying not being stuck in the house on my own. I had a really nice bonfire night with my family at my grandparents watching fireworks and having a few drinks. I also went on a few christmas shopping trips in November.

December- December is a month when I always tend to struggle with my eating disorder. Knowing theres lots of events coming up makes me nervous about what I will look like for them so I always end up over thinking about everything so I was starting to feel down again and then over christmas something happened that really started to get to me which didn't help anything. I went to Amsterdam with Natasha for 5 days which was nice but I wouldn't go again because it was stressful trying to navigate around the place. I did have a lovely christmas day and new years though which finished the year off right.

Hope you all had a great 2016 and have an even better 2017!!
Lorna
xxx

Sorry I haven't updated this blog in a while. Im off to Amsterdam in a few hours so thought I would put this post on before I go to try give some tips on dealing with your eating disorder during the festive period.

Christmas is probably one of my favourite times of the year however when you have an eating disorder/are recovering from an eating disorder it can also be a time full of anxiety as you are more than likely going to be surrounded by food and not only food but having meals in a social situation. Here are a few tips that will hopefully help you relax and enjoy the time you're spending with your family…

1. Be honest with somebody- If you know this is going to be a difficult time for you to deal with, please tell somebody you trust so they can support you through it. If you suffer in silence its more likely to make things worse as you'll just be keeping everything inside your own head. If you don't feel comfortable telling somebody you actually know then reach out to somebody online. I never realised how much support you could get just from strangers on instagram who are dealing with the same things as you are. If you reach out to somebody this way it could be helpful to both of you as you help each other through it and this could last not only for the christmas period but right through your recovery.

2. Think of a distraction for after your meal- I personally have my christmas dinner surrounded by family including grandparents, cousins, auntys and uncles so there is always a conversation flowing at the table through out the meal which is helpful as it helps to dull down the thoughts in my head. As somebody who has bulimia it is usually the thoughts after the meal that affect me the most and because of this I have learnt to distract myself. An example of this would be that once the table has been cleared I will gather my family together so that we can play a game that one of us may have got as a present. This stops me from running off to the toilet to purge and also keeps my mind off the toxic thoughts that may have been there before.

3. Don't think that everyone is watching you- Again this is something that I worry about as my family are aware of my eating disorder so when ever we all eat together I get paranoid that they're watching how much I eat but this is a pointless thought. Yes some of them may be watching out for me but most of the time they're probably thinking about when they can get their second servings haha. I have found that the paranoia about people watching you eat gets easier the more you do it in your recovery process.

4. Don't beat yourself up- If you had chocolate after your meal when you told yourself you wouldn't, or if you're in the recovery process and told yourself you'd finish your meal but don't manage to do it, don't keep worrying about it. Just enjoy the time you're spending with your loved ones.

5. Plan out the day- If you are a super anxious person and you know that having a plan in place will ease your anxiety then go ahead and do it. If you decide on an eating plan before the day itself then you will have time to process what your going to be eating and be able to put actions into place to help you through it.

6. ENJOY YOUR DAY!! - I know its a lot easier said than done but for me (and many of you I'm sure) I have let my eating disorder take way too much from me already and this is the first year my recovery has been a priority for me and I'm going to make sure I enjoy the day surrounded by my loved ones.

I should be uploading another post to this blog before christmas which will be my monthly update for november but just in case i don't manage to do it I hope you all have a lovely Christmas where ever you are and whatever you're doing!

Lorna
xxx

Todays post is going to be an advice post for starting/going back to university when you have an eating disorder. A lot of advice comes from my own experiences as I have just graduated this summer. Also some of the advice might be helpful for those dealing with other mental health issues as some times different mental health disorders can effect others for example my anxiety can lead me into eating disorder behaviours. University should be some of the best years of your life but can be hard if you feel like you're battling your mental health alone so here are a few tips…

1. If you are moving away from home find out where the local Gp is in your universities area and register to them just in case you need their service whilst you're there.

2. Something that goes along with the first step is to find out if your uni offers a health and well being centre as this is something that my university had. It meant that you could go to speak to a therapist if you needed their support. I personally didn't go there as I travelled home for appointments but it helped knowing that they were there if I needed them.

3. Find out who the disability advisor is at your uni because they can help you by letting you know how you can get help and where you can go to get this help.

4. When you are assigned a personal tutor it could help to open up to them about what you are dealing with as this way if for any reason you feel like the course work is getting on top of you, you can speak to your tutor and work out a plan together.

5. Try not to isolate yourself. Get out and make friends. Join social clubs. Make the most of it because those three years won't last forever. Also when you get out and make friends you'll find people you trust enough to open up to and they will be there to support you on your bad days. I was lucky enough to share a flat with people who became my best friends and supported me through everything.

6. Stay in touch with those who support you back at home. Be honest with them and let them know how you're feeling, this way it helps you and also them as they will most likely be worrying about how you're coping. Pick somebody that you trust and that supports you so that you can call them on days when you're not feeling your best.

7. Try your best to stay on top of the work you are given as if you space it out well it shouldn't stress you out as much and would be better for you to avoid your eating disorder behaviours.

Do the work, have fun and build life long friendships with people you wouldn't normally meet because when your graduation day comes and you get to spend it with the friends you've made along the way and get to see your family proud of you it makes you feel very accomplished and proud of yourself for being able to work through everything.

If any of you have more advice feel free to write a comment below :)

Also good luck to my brother who's just moved to university today! Hope you love it as much as I did!

Todays post is going to be one that I hadn't planned on writing however I keep seeing this picture being shared by numerous teenage girls and women on various social media websites that I use and when I saw it, it really got me thinking. Now lets start off by showing you the actual photo I am discussing.


Most of the people I have seen share this have posted it along with some form of laughing emoji or text along the lines of "So True." I would just like to point out that I am not trying to say people shouldn't find this funny. Im sure a lot of people will find it humorous and in my opinion thats fine. This post in no means insulted me it just really made me think.
Most people might just see this post and laugh as they remember a time when they were a naive teen who thought they looked a lot bigger than they were. However for me, I had a different reaction. I really started to think about when I first started analysing my body and for me, as well as many others I'm sure, was an age when I should have been more concerned about what time my mum was going to let me play out with my friends till or if I had earned enough gold stars to get an extra five minutes on the playground.
When did it become okay for children to feel fat or feel a pressure to be something that they're not. I remember lining up on the playground at primary school and comparing myself to other girls. I remember being at the swimming baths and being too afraid to jump in the pool in case I made a splash. I remember eating dinner with my friends and comparing what I was eating to the food they had in front of them and this is all before I even made it to high school.

I remember the first day I thought I was fat. I was in year two. In the UK where I live year two would be the class you was in from around the age of 6/7. I was stood on the hopscotch and an older boy came over to me and said "that jumper makes you look fat." From that moment on I was made aware of the negative connotations surrounding the word "fat." Its just a word but it is a word that has bothered me from that day. The first time I thought I was fat was at SIX YEARS OLD! Looking back now it makes me so mad because at six years old I was no where near fat. I was always a slim child and the fact that I couldn't see that is scary. I hate that young girls and boys in todays society are made aware of negative body image from so early on. Feeling fat that young led me into an eating disorder a few years later on and I have struggled for years with it and am only just managing to accept how I am now.


Excuse the quality of the photos but these photos would have been taken around the age I started thinking about being fat and looking back now I can see that I was not "Fat." in the slightest.

I know this post might seem like I have made a big deal over a post that most people wouldn't even look twice at but it just got me thinking which has led me into this rant :'). Due to the content my blog is about if you're reading this I'm sure some of you may relate to me so feel free to leave comments with your opinions.

Lorna
xxx