After I had opened up to people closest to me things didn't get better straight away. There was a lot of situations that bothered me and made things difficult. In this post I am going to talk about the things that I found difficult to cope with at the time so that if anybody else can relate to these things I can show that it is normal and that it does get better, you just have to work through it.

Admiting things I had done
It was difficult discussing with people all the things that I had done through out the time with my eating disorder. Obviously things that you do due to your eating disorder aren't seen as "normal" behaviours and some people can find it shocking so it was scary to open up about it but most of the people I did tell where all understanding about it so that was helpful.

Opening up to other people e.g. friends/ other family members/ doctors
This was another thing I found difficult because I didn't understand if people had already had suspicions or not and it was strange having a variety of people either say things made sense to them or that they didn't have a clue. I wasn't always aware of how to react to them or how much I should tell them.

Feeling like everyone was watching me eat
I think this was probably the thing that I found most difficult. Obviously people are going to be worried about you once they find out so they are going to try their best to monitor you, although this is a good thing, when you still have an eating disorder it is so hard sitting there eating knowing people are watching you because your eating disorder is telling you " they're not going to believe you, you're sat there eating." and then it makes you more paranoid about what you're eating/how much you are eating and you have all these thoughts running through your head. It gets easier the further into recovery you get.

Not having the freedom to use behaviours I was used to
Once your loved ones know about your disorder they will probably do their own research into it so they know the signs and when you're in your eating disorder this will anger you because all you want is to be left alone so you can take part in your behaviours. I wanted to be able to be on my own after meals but my parents would take me out on a walk so that I couldn't.

Having to be weighed at every appointment
I absolutely detested having to have this done. I hadn't been able to weigh myself in so long because my mum had thrown the scales away at home and my flat mates at uni hid the ones we had there which meant I didn't know how much I weighed myself so I was uncomfortable getting on scales in front of hospital staff because I didn't want anybody to know my weight. I still don't weigh myself to this day because I know that is something that will trigger me.

Feeling like people wouldn't believe me
This thought I had a lot. This thought is what sent me into self destruct when I first told anyone about my disorder. I lost a lot more weight once I opened up about it because I felt like I had to prove to everyone that I really was ill because I was that desperate for help. Please don't think that you have to do this. Eating disorders do not have a shape or size and the professionals know this. You do not have to prove yourself to anyone. Just be honest about what you're going through.

When you keep things to yourself for so long it is scary to allow others in on the secret. You'll be wondering if they believe you or not or that they're going to change their opinion of you but if someone does change their opinion of you even when you've just had the courage to open up to them then they're honestly not worth your time. Luckily for me I didn't have to deal with that as everyone was supportive so just take the chance and tell someone so that it can make it easier for you to deal with. You shouldn't have to deal with it on your own.


                                                             Lorna
                                                              xxx