Two Years Later...
13:53
Today marks the two year anniversary of when I first properly started the process of recovery. This time two years ago I could have never imagined that I would have ever got the help and to be honest if it wasn't for the fact that I was drunk I would probably still be dealing with it in secret. This time two years ago I was living the most difficult part of my life so far and it was an emotional week of having to admit things I had been trying to hide for so long to people that I was close to and also doctors who were strangers. I had tried to tell my parents numerous times before but just accepted that I would have to deal with it on my own forever because I was embarrassed and ashamed of what I had been doing. Also the fact I had been dealing with it for 10 years on my own I had convinced myself everything was fine when in reality it was far from it. I think I have said on this blog before that me admitting I had an eating disorder was a very impulsive move that I made when I was very drunk and phoned my mum after a party at university and it did take me a few times to actually get the words out as I was crying so much I couldn't breath and as soon as I actually said it I instantly regretted it and hated myself for doing it but looking back now it is one of the best things I could have ever done as I no longer have to keep this secret and I've been able to get help and support that I've needed for so long.
I can't tell you that things get instantly better because it doesn't, in fact for me personally, I would say things got worse before it got better because I felt like I had to prove to people that I really was ill so I went on self destruct but I am doing so much better than I was this time two years ago. Yes I have bad days and no I'm not fully recovered but I am on the right track and I am so much more aware of why I did those things and when I am most likely to use those behaviours.
The past two years of recovery my weight has been up and down more times than I can count. I was still obsessed with taking photos of my body to check how it was looking. I took my anger out on people who were only trying to help. I spent way too much time in and out of hospitals and the doctors. I had times when I would still starve myself, I still had times when I would binge and purge but I also had people to talk to when I needed somebody to open up to, I had months when I wouldn't use any kind of eating disorder habits, I was able to keep on top of my bloods and heart rate to know if my body was coping, I was able to explain why I was moody or upset. My mum was able to go to a parents group so she could learn how to deal with it and also get support she needed. I have been given nutritional help. I have been part of groups where I have been able to talk to people going through the same things as me. I have learnt so many things that I didn't even know was part of my eating disorder. I have been given a chance to live with out my eating disorder and thats the best thing that I could have been given.
If you have stumbled upon this post then it probably means you're already in the process of figuring out if you should speak out and get the help and I am telling you to do it. You probably will regret it at first as your eating disorder will be telling you you're stupid and you're going to gain weight in recovery but those voices get so much easier to quieten and deal with once you've accepted you have a problem and get the help and support you deserve. Just please do it and if you need any more advice/have a question just comment on here and I will reply.
Since it has been two years since I had a week of telling family, friends and doctors about my eating disorder, I am thinking of doing a post every day for a week and I will do a separate post about when I told my parents, I will do a post with my mum so you can see what your parent/carer might think and then I might also do one on my evaluation at the eating disorder clinic so you know what to expect when you go for yours.
Look out for more posts over the week :)
Lorna
xxx
I can't tell you that things get instantly better because it doesn't, in fact for me personally, I would say things got worse before it got better because I felt like I had to prove to people that I really was ill so I went on self destruct but I am doing so much better than I was this time two years ago. Yes I have bad days and no I'm not fully recovered but I am on the right track and I am so much more aware of why I did those things and when I am most likely to use those behaviours.
The past two years of recovery my weight has been up and down more times than I can count. I was still obsessed with taking photos of my body to check how it was looking. I took my anger out on people who were only trying to help. I spent way too much time in and out of hospitals and the doctors. I had times when I would still starve myself, I still had times when I would binge and purge but I also had people to talk to when I needed somebody to open up to, I had months when I wouldn't use any kind of eating disorder habits, I was able to keep on top of my bloods and heart rate to know if my body was coping, I was able to explain why I was moody or upset. My mum was able to go to a parents group so she could learn how to deal with it and also get support she needed. I have been given nutritional help. I have been part of groups where I have been able to talk to people going through the same things as me. I have learnt so many things that I didn't even know was part of my eating disorder. I have been given a chance to live with out my eating disorder and thats the best thing that I could have been given.
If you have stumbled upon this post then it probably means you're already in the process of figuring out if you should speak out and get the help and I am telling you to do it. You probably will regret it at first as your eating disorder will be telling you you're stupid and you're going to gain weight in recovery but those voices get so much easier to quieten and deal with once you've accepted you have a problem and get the help and support you deserve. Just please do it and if you need any more advice/have a question just comment on here and I will reply.
Since it has been two years since I had a week of telling family, friends and doctors about my eating disorder, I am thinking of doing a post every day for a week and I will do a separate post about when I told my parents, I will do a post with my mum so you can see what your parent/carer might think and then I might also do one on my evaluation at the eating disorder clinic so you know what to expect when you go for yours.
Look out for more posts over the week :)
Lorna
xxx
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