This is a bit of a different post but I thought it would be helpful to show what songs I listen to when I'm finding myself going back to having disordered thoughts about myself. I took inspiration from the playlist that is shown on the rise up app as they have a lot of helpful things to keep you distracted and to keep you feeling motivated in your recovery process so I would recommend taking a look at it as you can also show your therapist what you have documented on it.

I feel like if I write down some of the things I want to achieve in 2017 on this blog then it will motivate me to actually get them done because I won't want to get to the end of the year read this back and feel like I've failed haha. So here goes…

2016 for me was the first year I started to take my recovery seriously and was determined to get better. I actually did really well with my recovery last year although yes there was times when I felt bad and did binge/purge/restrict but something that happened last year for me was being able to rationally think once I had a slip up and realise its not the end of the world and to accept it had happened and acknowledge other coping strategies for the next time I felt like I would slip into some unhealthy behaviours.  I was having cognitive behavioural therapy and eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing therapy throughout 2016 till I was discharged from the hospital in September which I will go into more detail about when I do breakdowns of the months below.

January-In January I had my 21st birthday. I had two parties one at home with family, family friends and a couple of friends from home and I also had a joint birthday party with my housemate in our uni house and got to celebrate again with my university friends. The theme was 90s and 00s so our guests dressed up as singers and characters from those eras. We had a Britney Spears, Amy Winehouse, Inspector Gadget, Scary Spice and Avril Lavigne to name a few. I had such a good night and got lots of nice presents. In terms of my eating disorder I was doing quite well at the point because it was the new year and I was determined and motivated to get better.

February- In February I started journaling as a way to help my recovery. I was watching a few mental health youtubers and noticed that some of them had said that journaling aided their own recoveries. I started using it to distract myself after meals/when I was having destructive thoughts. I would just sit and doodle or write down how I was feeling or fill out sheets I had been given in therapy and then stick them in. I still do journal now and have been thinking of doing a blog post on it. During February I started training for our last practical uni assessment which was multiple camera studio show. I had already done an assessment in the studio but people in my group hadn't. I think this is when it actually started to hit me that uni was very nearly over which upset me. I also found out the film that I directed got a first which I was obviously very happy with.  My best friend had his 22nd party which was a Grease themed party so we all had a good night dressed up as pink ladies and T birds.

March- Most of March was taken up by my last practical assessment as we had to plan it, rehearse it, build a set and then film and edit it. Even though it was stressful I really did enjoy it because the people in my group were all my friends even if we did start to stress each other out. We did a chat show about independent films and I loved building and decorating the set. It was weird walking out on the last day knowing that was the last time I needed to attend any class at uni. I think I was still doing quite well with my recovery at this point because I was out of the house a lot for filming so was distracted.

April- In April I know my mood was down for most of it because I had a huge amount of dissertation stress over me. I basically lived in the library with my friends Lauren and Gabby and because we were at uni I was just buying hotdogs and sweets and bottles of coke because it was easier than going home to make something to then have to walk back to the library. Obviously as someone with an eating disorder if I'm eating a lot of "unhealthy," foods, I will over analyse it and get caught up in my head which was making me ill again because I would come home after spending the day at uni and would purge and then also because I was feeling bad I was comfort eating so it was just a big cycle of feeling down. To make things worse I couldn't sleep because I had shitty neighbours who thought it was appropriate to play loud music from 12 at night till 7:30am! I also had to go shopping to look for a graduation ball dress and anything to do with trying clothes on for an event distresses me because when I would go in the changing room and have a dress on my eyes would go directly to what I saw as a problem area. I remember crying whilst shopping because I couldn't find anything that made me feel good. It wasn't all bad though me and one of my friends decided we needed to have a good night out to distract ourselves for a bit so we went to carnage which is a student night and it was good to get out for a night.

May- May started to look up because I handed my dissertation in meaning I was finished with uni forever (was sad about it but glad to get the work handed in after a stressful month). The day we handed our dissertations in we went straight to the Su bar and spent the day drinking and having a laugh which was really nice because we knew it would be one of the last times we would probably all be together. My graduation ball was also in May and I've got lots of nice and funny photos from that night. The food was shocking though, extremely over priced and they gave my friend Sham a plate with three berries on for dessert! The night didn't go as I wanted it to because I wanted all my housemates to be sat on the same table together which didn't end up happening but after the meal it was fine because we could go over to them and we also went to the Su bar afterwards together and it ended up being a really good night. May was really weird as I was happy because I was spending so much time with my friends but it was also making me sad because at the back of my mind I knew it was getting close to saying bye to them all as they moved back home. I had a last course night out, which wasn't actually my whole course it was just my friends from my course but we had a really good night got quite drunk and emotional but it was bound to happen. At the end of May was when things got bad because everyone was going home and I hate saying goodbye to people so much :(

June- In June there was only a couple of us left. So me and my friends Sham and Shannon spent a lot of time together. We went to Blackpool for the day and played in the amusements and walked on the beach and ate donuts and chips which was a nice day out but Shannon moved back home a few days after that and then I moved out too and had to say good bye to my best friend Sham and had a mini meltdown. Was horrible saying bye to him and also knowing that was literally the end of my whole university experience. Think I cried the whole way home haha.
The rest of June was me trying to settle back into home and looking for jobs. My little cousin Megan had her prom which she looked beautiful for.

July- July was probably the month that I was the most unhappy that I had been all year. Reality really started to kick in that I wasn't going back to uni and I was really missing my friends. I felt like I was doing nothing with my life except working in a job that wasn't what I wanted to be doing and due to the work hours I wasn't getting to eat as much/when I should have been so that started playing on my mind and because I felt bad it was making my disorder worse. I started EMDR therapy during this time and it was really difficult for me as I had to discuss past memories which have affected me like when my Grandad died and being bullied. If you are unaware of what emdr therapy is I will be writing a blog post about it and what my experience with it was like. Also in July I had my first night out in months for my friend Tasha 21st. We went out in Leeds and I got pushed down a flight of stairs but carried on partying like the good friend I am only to find out in the morning, when I went to the hospital, that I had sprained my ankle. Even though July was the worst month of the year, I had the best day of the year in July… MY GRADUATION! I got to spend the day and night before graduation in Southport with my parents and grandparents which was really nice as it was warm and we spent the day out. On the actual day of my graduation I got to spend it with my family and some of my closest friends which was really nice as I hadn't seen some of them since we all moved back home. It was a day when I felt really proud of myself because I can honestly say multiple times during the three years I was ready to drop out due to the state of my mental health but I got through it and graduated with a 2:1.

August- August was a really boring month most of it was spent applying for new jobs based on the career I actually want to have because I ended up quitting my job as my therapist said that she could tell it wasn't helping my recovery because it was making me feel down all the time. My uncle passed away so me and my family went down to my aunties house in Windsor for the funeral.

September- September was the month I was finally discharged from the eating disorder hospital! I had my last therapy session and was told it was time to try on my own now but that if I ever needed them again I could call them. After being discharged from the hospital I decided I wanted to go on holiday because my 21st birthday present from my parents was a holiday, so me and my friend Natasha booked a last minute holiday to Greece and because of this I was getting paranoid about being in a bikini again so I was definitely being a lot more careful with what I was eating but I wasn't going back to eating disorder habits because I had just got out of the hospital and was trying to stay motivated. My brother moved to university at the end of September too, which was strange him going there knowing I wouldn't be going back.

October- Me and Natasha flew out to Greece and had an amazing holiday with some lovely people. The weather wasn't the best and the nightlife season had basically finished so there was only a couple of bars still open but we still enjoyed it. I was a lot happier in October so again I wasn't taking part in any eating disorder habits. At the end of October I went back to university to visit a friend and although it was a good night it just wasn't the same not having everybody there.

November- November was the month that I spent with friends and going on nights out with my cousin so I was enjoying not being stuck in the house on my own. I had a really nice bonfire night with my family at my grandparents watching fireworks and having a few drinks. I also went on a few christmas shopping trips in November.

December- December is a month when I always tend to struggle with my eating disorder. Knowing theres lots of events coming up makes me nervous about what I will look like for them so I always end up over thinking about everything so I was starting to feel down again and then over christmas something happened that really started to get to me which didn't help anything. I went to Amsterdam with Natasha for 5 days which was nice but I wouldn't go again because it was stressful trying to navigate around the place. I did have a lovely christmas day and new years though which finished the year off right.

Hope you all had a great 2016 and have an even better 2017!!
Lorna
xxx