Self esteem is the amount of value we consider we are worth. A lot of things can knock our self esteem from bullying, losing someone we are close to, being abused and more.

It is easy to get caught up in the habit of comparing ourselves to others which can massively knock our self esteem.

Thoughts we may have when dealing with a low self esteem will be negative and self critical. You can feel worthless, incompetent and like a failure which then can affect how you behave. Having a low self esteem can lead to anxiety and depression as we feel as though we are not good enough.


Thinking differently

• Stop comparing another persons highlights to your own life- This one is an important one. I would say the biggest thing that knocks my self esteem is when I compare myself to others. Don't believe everything you see/hear. People will usually tell you the good things that are happening in their lives and keep the negatives hidden. 
• Ask yourself is this really a fact or just my opinion- I have done a blog post on facts and opinions so if you haven't read that go and do so. A lot of the negative things you see in yourself others don't see and just because you think negatively of aspects of yourself doesn't mean those around you do too. 
• Ask yourself how others would see it- Would your friend say these things to you? If no, why are you allowing yourself to think this way? Figure out what it is thats making you feel bad so that you can work around it. 
• What would I say to someone else in this situation- Imagine a friend has approached you and is saying the things you're saying about yourself. What would you say to them? What would you advise them to do?

Don't even know where to start with this but buckle yourself in and get ready for a rant…

As some of you may know from my other bog posts I have been unemployed for almost a year (I have done unpaid work during this time.) I left my last place of work due to the fact I was still in therapy for my eating disorder and my therapist said she didn't think that the job was helping me with my recovery and was making my mental health issues worse because I wasn't able to stick to meal plans and it also made my anxiety worse which in turn made my eating disorder step up again. She said it was in my best interest to quit and I 100% agree even now because during this time I haven't worked my mental health has improved unbelievably. I have been looking for work the whole time I've been unemployed but seeking work in the industry Ive always wanted to work in and have studied to work in but this hasn't worked out at all (if you read this blog often you'll probably already know this as I've discussed it many times before). It makes me upset that I studied for this many years, whilst dealing with mental health issues, spending thousands of pounds on my education to then come out of it with too many rejections to count.

During this year out of work, I have realised how judgemental people are about those that are out of work. For some reason people (even people who aren't close to me)  think because I don't work its acceptable for them to ask me where my money is coming from, and how I can afford things when I don't have a job. When I have had jobs, I have put majority of my wages into a savings account due to that I have managed to cope with out a job for most of this year. Recently I have had support from my parents who do everything they can for me and my brother. I sell clothes on apps and I do surveys to earn points to convert to money. I don't really know why I feel like I have to justify where I get my money from because you don't see me asking others "How are you always skint if you've got a full time job?" and do you know why I don't ask? Because its none of my damn business!!

People seem to think all I've done in the past year is sleep till 3pm and watch youtube videos for the rest of the day and yeah I'm not going to lie I have done that at times when I have felt really down but I have also done a lot of writing from my scripts that I send off to competitions, I have wrote posts for this blog and posts for other mental health websites, both of which involve quite a lot of research at times. I have been trying to build my own business and looked into business courses, Ive applied to more jobs than I can count, Ive dealt with my mental health issues every single day, Ive changed my cv every other week because I've been confused as to what I'm doing wrong.

Literally every day of my life I worry about what people are saying about me because I haven't got a job. I hate going to events because one of the first things you get asked is "where are you working now?" and it makes me feel like shit and like I have to justify my reason for being unemployed.. I don't get any benefit money and never have (not that there is anything wrong with receiving benefits).

I just wish people wouldn't be so quick to judge because one day it could be them in the same position as me!

Sorry for the rant but I just needed to get it off my mind, if any of you have similar experiences feel free to comment on here.

                                                                                Lorna
                                                                                  xxx
                 

Mental health is not an easy topic to talk about but it is so important that it is discussed. Although the conversations can be difficult and uncomfortable to talk about we need to do it so that they are widely understood. Recently more television shows and films are causing discussions in the media as they use taboo story lines, One of those being "13 Reasons Why." which I have already reviewed on this blog.

The film I will be discussing today is "To The Bone." A film staring Lily Collins who plays Ellen, a young women who is suffering from anorexia. The film follows her as she deals with her dysfunctional family and ultimately moves into a treatment centre for people dealing with eating disorders.

As someone who has dealt with the issues shown in this film, I will discuss if I thought it showed a realistic portrayal of eating disorders. This review is my personal response and I am in no way trying to tell you how you should feel about the film. This is probably going to be a longer post because I have a lot of thoughts on this film. This review will contain spoilers…

The first thing I want to make clear is that if you are currently in a bad place with your mental health, struggling with your eating disorder or haven't got far enough into your recovery then it is best not to watch the film as certain aspects of it can be triggering.

The Director of the film Marti Nixon and Lily Collins (Ellen) both suffered with eating disorders in their personal life. In one sense I think its important to have people that have dealt with the issues on set and involved in creating something that handles these subjects, as it is necessary to give a real and accurate representation of eating disorders in the film. However, something that massively concerned me is the fact that Lily Collins was cast as the main character and had to lose weight for the role. As she is someone who has dealt with and overcome an eating disorder in her past I think it is quite dangerous to allow her to go back into that kind of mind frame to allow a true performance. These big production companies wouldn't hire a recovered drug addict to play a character and say to them oh just take this drug one last time just to give us a realistic shot. An eating disorder is like an addiction and I worry for Lily and her mental health after the film was made. I have heard that she had to work with a dietician through out and apparently it was in her contract to gain the weight back but as someone who has gone through an eating disorder I can't imagine throwing myself back into it for months of filming and being mentally well afterwards.

I was initially worried that the film would glamorise eating disorders but I couldn't have been more wrong. In my opinion the film doesn't glamourise it at all and in fact acknowledges that they aren't attractive. There is a scene where Ellen's stepmother takes photos of her and shows them to her and asks is she thinks its beautiful and her response is "No." Theres also a scene with her sister when her sister tells her she looks like crap. Her mother tells her she looks like a ghost. They have her character in baggy clothes the whole way through it and they don't once try to make her seem "beautiful". They show the ugly truths and repercussions of this disorder as they show her bruised spine from sit ups, she talks about losing her period, they show her "furry." arms and her doctor tells her she won't wake up if she carries on.

My favourite thing about the film was that they showed that eating disorders are not bias and anybody can be effected. They had a male character, characters of different sizes, characters of different races, they had different sexual orientations shown and another thing the film did that I thought was massively important was that they showed other eating disorders with in the treatment centre instead of just the characters with anorexia.

The film shows the sneakiness that can go on within the hospitals and treatment centres, some of this can be triggering.They show devious behaviours before appointments, they show hiding of vomit and blackmail between patients as they try to keep each others secretive behaviours quiet. It additionally shows the competitiveness in the treatment centre which is something I feel needs to be discussed more around eating disorders as people usually shy away from it however the film shows this aspect when Megan asks Ellen how many times she's been inpatient and seems prouder that she's done it more times.

A large part of the film is spent portraying how these disorders not only effect the sufferer but also those around them. We see this through the use of the family therapy scene. All of her family seem to be blaming each other for why she has this disorder and the doctor tells them its not as simple as that. In my opinion her step mother doesn't seem to understand it very well but still tries to help her and I feel like most of us that have gone through it can probably relate to having someone like that in our lives. A part of the film that got to me was when her sister gets upset and angry about how its effecting her too as it shows how this disorder doesn't just rip things away from you but from those around you too. A scene that I relate to and which is probably my favourite part of the film would be when they've been on the trip and Ellen is telling Dr Beckham how the world is beautiful but she can't stop her disorder. That made me tear up a bit because I was in that place for many years thinking that nothing was going to get better and that I wouldn't be able to stop the behaviours and when Dr Beckham tells her to tell the voice to fuck off also got to me as this is where I am at in my recovery now. I have learnt that things get better and that things are getting better and now I'm just learning to deal with the voice and trying to ignore it. Another scene that I got emotional at was the moment with her mum when she accepts being fed by her because to me this is the moment she realises she wants to get better after hearing her mum say she's accepted that if she wants to die thats okay. I related to this because I think it took me seeing how much my disorder was effecting my own mum to realise that I truly wanted to get better for her and for myself.

Something I did not like about the film was the scene towards the end when she seems to be hallucinating. It does look cinematically beautiful but I just didn't think it needed to be there when the rest of the film was showing the realness of the disorders.

I was slightly worried that If I watched it elements, within the film could trigger me, but the fact that when it finished I went downstairs and got an ice cream sandwich out of the freezer shows how far I've come into my recovery but for those of you that are still feeling vulnerable I would suggest not watching it or if you go ahead and do so anyway and find something triggers you then do reach out to someone for support (my messages on instagram and comment section are always open for you).

Overall I enjoyed the film and could relate to it and feel like it did give a real insight into life with an eating disorder and I'm glad it is opening up more discussion about mental health. I know the film has had some bad responses due to the fact people are taking photos of the characters body from the film and using it as inspiration however people who are unwell are going to do this regardless and if it wasn't from this film they'd just go and get a picture from somewhere else. The most important thing for me was that the film promoted recovery and in my opinion it does just that! It shows that the character of Lucas is the one out of the treatment centre who has come the furthest in his recovery and they show him as being the happiest one and that is what I loved about the film. The one character who was eating and showing the most progress into recovery was the one shown to be the funny, motivated one trying to help all the other patients to get better.
 If any of you have already watched it and have the same opinion or even a totally different response to the film then feel free to leave me a comment discussing your own thoughts.

                                                              Lorna
                                                               XXX