• That they no longer have motivation for things they once loved doing- Depression can effect your motivation and can make you withdraw from hobbies you may have once enjoyed.
• Upset- This is one to be careful of as everyone goes through stages of being upset, however those with depression will likely feel this way for majority of their day to day life.
• Guilty- Depression can cause a persons thoughts to blow things out of proportion and their mind can go on overdrive leading them to feel guilty about something they may have done. 
• Anxious- People with depression often experience symptoms related to anxiety. 
• Irritable- their tolerance level can become extremely low meaning that a lot more situations/people can start to get on their nerves
• Hopeless- They may feel like they have nothing left and nobody to turn to and that things aren't going to get better.
• Low self esteem- People with depression will usually feel bad about themselves and a low self esteem can actually be one of the causes of depression. They will usually harshly criticise themselves and their actions. 

Competitiveness in eating disorders is something that I don't feel is discussed a lot. People feel ashamed of their eating disorders but another form of shame comes along with feeling competitive with others in the same situation as you.

For me personally I was quiet about my eating disorder for ten years so it was something I felt very attached to and protective of. I was jealous of other people that would openly talk about their issue and I would look at them with thoughts like "Yeah, well I'm ill too!" "I need help too.". This sounds so awful but eating disorders are awful. They change your mind set and make you think disturbing thoughts. My eating disorder would look at others that had eating disorders and tell me I wasn't sick enough, I didn't deserve help because I didn't look like that person which would then make me want to look as poorly as that person as a cry for help and a way to prove to people I was ill.
A time when I struggled with this most was the month leading up to me starting my group therapy because I was in the mind set that everyone was going to be slimmer than me and that they'd judge me so I needed to lose weight to look like them (I had never even met them before so had no reason to assume any of this). Your eating disorder wants you to be the thinnest one in the room which leads you into a vicious cycle of competitiveness and comparison.
When you have an eating disorder you don't ever win. No size will ever be "good enough."

I remember being in group therapy and I don't want to go into too much detail about it because it wouldn't be fair but there was a girl in the group who was more vocal about her struggles and it did feel like she was quite competitive about making sure she was seen as the worst and I remember getting mad about it during every session and I would rant about it to my mum. I would be thinking whys she saying these things? why does she think that? Why is she trying to make it out like she's had it harder than the rest of us? When in reality she was just being more vocal about what she had been doing than any of the rest of us. She was ill. I was ill. We were both in the same situation. We both deserved recovery.

Due to the attachment I had with my eating disorder I felt like it was mine and I didn't like it when somebody else expressed they had the same struggles because in a way, it felt like they were taking it away from me. I do think that the competitiveness comes from anger of the things that you've gone through and the things that you've done to yourself because to you the things that you have put yourself through are so huge so if you have somebody else saying I did this or I did that then it can feel like the behaviours you used yourself have been somehow dismissed and that hurts.

Now that I have got out of that mind frame and it does make me look back at old thoughts I used to have and think why?
Why did I ever want to be the unhealthiest?
What was so attractive about being seen as the unhealthiest?
The reality is I thought that way because I wanted to justify that I was poorly enough to get help. I wanted to know that the things I had put myself through weren't going to be ignored.

Everybody has their own story and their own struggles and there is no point comparing them with other  peoples. We are all worthy of recovery ❤️

Todays post is one that I never normally do as I will be discussing a Netflix show. The particular show today will be "13 reasons Why."
Some of you may be aware that I am a Film and Television graduate so I have spent years studying how to create film and television shows and it is something that I am passionate about and like to discuss but haven't before on this blog because this blog is a mental heath blog not a Film and Television review blog. However… The show that I am going to talk about contains taboo subjects and is relevant to this blog due to some of the story lines involved, so I thought I would write up some of my thoughts.

This post may contain some spoilers so do be aware of that before continuing on. All thoughts are my own and I am not saying you should agree with me so if you do have any opposing views do feel free to leave comments and let me know your personal views on the show 😊. Now lets get straight into it…

I first decided I would watch the show because I knew that Pretty Little Liars was coming to its last season and I needed a new series to watch. Now I didn't realise every episode was available straight away when I first started to watch it, so I thought that like Pretty Little Liars it may be updated weekly. Due to all the episodes being available I did watch them all in a shorter space of time than originally planned. Each episode is around 50-60 minutes long and there are 13 episodes in this season hence the "13 reasons why." as each episode is dedicated to one of the reasons.

The story revolves around Hannah Baker. A teen who ends her life and leaves a series of tapes that she pre-recorded before her death which are addressed to people who had an impact on her decision to commit suicide. Each of the 13 tapes are focused on what different characters did to her while she was alive (some seeming rather minor compared to some of the heavier topics that are heard through her own voice). She has clearly planned everything out down to what order she wants the tapes to be listened to and the fact that she has the characters going around town to different locations.



The show is great at raising awareness for bullying and showing the consequences that could happen through bullying behaviours. The show does show that you should treat others as you would like to be treated and it raises awareness for other issues such as suicide and slut shaming.
I would say that the key aspect of the show is that it shows that actions that may seem trivial to others could really deeply hurt somebody else. Through the use of the storyline about the poem being printed it shows that something an adult wouldn't think twice about is something that could feel like the end of the world to somebody in a vulnerable situation. I remember being at school and feeling like the way I was being treated would last forever and I don't feel that the show does enough to show that this isn't true to its audience (a lot of whom are of the age of the characters and are still in school).
Another aspect that I think is importantly reinforced is the devastation that suicide leaves behind. Showing how Hannah's parents struggle to cope with her death is so important. It shows their confusion as to why she did this which, I think shows parents that there isn't always huge warning signs when they're child is crying out for help.

I think that it is important to highlight the stories that are in the show and to raise awareness and the show definitely does this through the use of its scenes which contain dark matters. The show intended for these scenes to make its audience feel uncomfortable as it reveals the harsh realities of the experiences that Hannah goes through.
My issue with the show is that it focuses so much of its attention on the "reasons" and that may cause some of its younger more vulnerable audience members to make irrational decisions based on smaller circumstances. Also the parts when she tries to seek help and is basically ignored is something that I did not like as these kind of things are already difficult to be brave enough to talk about, so to show her pleads for help being ignored isn't really encouraging for its audience to seek help but I must say that this does slightly redeem itself at the end of the show when it shows that Jessica is about to seek help by telling her dad.
I am really glad that it has done so much to raise awareness on bullying, suicide and sexual assault but I do feel there was too much blaming of other characters and not enough of a discussion on the mental health side of Hannah's problems and her consequentel suicide.

I enjoyed the show and I am glad that it is creating an open discussion about bullying and is raising awareness to suicide however the show contains scenes that could be extremely triggering to some people and it should be watched with caution by those that are in a vulnerable situation/place.


Lorna
xxx