A Chat With My Mum...
11:46
I was actually really nervous to even ask my mum to do this post because although these days I am honest with her about my eating disorder and when Im feeling down, we've never really discussed how she feels/felt about everything and I think in some ways I have purposefully avoided asking her about it because its hard for me to hear how my eating disorder has affected those closet to me but if these kind of posts can help any other person suffering with an eating disorder or a parent thats child may be going through something similar then I am willing to discuss it openly :') p.s anything in brackets in her answers is me explaining what she is talking about so that you can understand her answers properly.
For this post I will be asking my mum some questions relating to my eating disorder and how she felt when she first found out and how she has dealt with it since. Now I am just going to say that a few tears were shed from both of us when I sat down and talked with her about it all and this was probably the hardest post that I have had to write because it isn't fun hearing what other people have gone through because of your disorder but anyways I'm just going to jump straight into the questions and her answers now…
What was your first thought/reaction when I first told you over the phone?
My first reaction was oh shit. How are we going to deal with this when you're not here (I was studying at university at the time) and I can't see you. It was hard being told over the phone because I couldn't cuddle you or come to pick you up straight away.
Had you ever been suspicious that I may have had an eating disorder before I actually told you?
I knew that you had been throwing up but thought it was because of your medical condition from when you was younger ( I think I mentioned in my eating disorder story that when I was around six years old I was throwing up a lot after I had eaten and there was something wrong with my digestive system so I had tests done and they thought that I had Stomach Emptying Delay). I knew you had been throwing up when I found bits of sick in your toys when you was younger but thought it was due to what you had been seeing the specialist for. If I'm honest I never linked it to thinking you may have had an eating disorder.
In case anybody that is reading this is worried a family member may have an eating disorder, looking back now do you recognise any warning signs that you didn't realise were there at the time?
Yeah loads. Once you find out the actual issue every thing just connects. For example you coming home from school in a jumper in the summer with a bright red face when it was boiling outside and your room used to smell bad and we didn't know why.
When did it first hit you how bad I had actually gotten?
Looking at photos you had printed out the other week made every thing come back seeing how small you had gotten but before that when I came to pick you up from uni and you'd hide under baggy dresses and jumpers thinking I couldn't tell but I would notice when I would hug you. Also when you went back to uni and uploaded photos of your nights out and I could see that you were getting skinnier especially one of you in a blue skirt and white top (Photo below, excuse that it is blurred and the caption). I realised how bad the situation was when I took part in the parent and carers group because they explained what the problem was in more detail and how badly it would be affecting you and they taught me how to deal with it and make it easier for you.
Did you understand it and did you think it was something I would easily be able to get over with help?
I knew from the start that you'd never get over it fully and it would always be there but hoped that you'd learn how to cope with it and fight your way through it, with us their to help you.
Do you think that it affected our home life once you all found out about it?
Yes. It was hard trying to help your brother too. We knew he understood and he was good at dealing with it but it was difficult when buying food because he had to have a box for his chocolate upstairs because we didn't know how you would react having junk food in the house. We didn't know if you was going to be upset or angry. When you would come back from uni we would have a clear out and would stop buying fizzy pop so that you had no empty bottles to be sick in. Your dad found it hard not having you here and thats why every time he spoke to you on the phone he would ask what you had eaten for your tea, it was worrying. We had to learn to try have a tolerance to it and be patient with you and let you deal with things at your own pace. Thats why I found those groups helped because I couldn't talk to people about it as much as I wanted to so I found it helpful to talk to people going through similar things to us.
Did you know anything about eating disorders before all of this happened?
Only really what you read in magazines. I read a lot of magazines and theres always other peoples stories in them.
What was the Hardest part of it all for you?
Not having you here and you being at uni. Not being able to be there for you when things were getting on top of you and not being able to just give you a cuddle but we didn't want you to drop out of uni because you had come so far. It was difficult having to see you deteriorating over photos you'd upload to Facebook but I also wanted to see you upload them so I could keep a check on you.
How did you deal with it/what helped you through it?
The parents and carers groups. Support from the rest of the family like your grandparents. Knowing you had a good group of friends around you that I could also talk to. Being able to phone Chloe and text Sham (my housemates). I felt like I could talk to them to find out if you was okay or if you had been locking yourself away in your room again. It was also helpful knowing that I had their numbers and they had mine in case they started to notice things too.
Did you ever blame yourself?
Yes. I blamed myself for not noticing and asked myself many a time how could I not have noticed.
Are you now able to recognise when I'm starting to relapse into old behaviours?
Yes, I think. You're a lot more honest about things with me now. I would like to think that you know you can come to me when you're struggling and that we can help each other through it.
Do you have any advice for other parents/carers?
Seek professional help immediately. Be patient and understanding. Don't push them to your pace, they need to do it at their own pace and it won't happen over night. Be prepared to be in it for the long haul. You might have a quiet couple of months and then something can trigger them but hopefully you will have built up a trust with each other so that they feel they can come to talk to you and you can work through it together.
I hope some of you reading this may have found it helpful and if there is any other questions you have for me or my mum leave them in the comments :)
Lorna
xxx
For this post I will be asking my mum some questions relating to my eating disorder and how she felt when she first found out and how she has dealt with it since. Now I am just going to say that a few tears were shed from both of us when I sat down and talked with her about it all and this was probably the hardest post that I have had to write because it isn't fun hearing what other people have gone through because of your disorder but anyways I'm just going to jump straight into the questions and her answers now…
What was your first thought/reaction when I first told you over the phone?
My first reaction was oh shit. How are we going to deal with this when you're not here (I was studying at university at the time) and I can't see you. It was hard being told over the phone because I couldn't cuddle you or come to pick you up straight away.
Had you ever been suspicious that I may have had an eating disorder before I actually told you?
I knew that you had been throwing up but thought it was because of your medical condition from when you was younger ( I think I mentioned in my eating disorder story that when I was around six years old I was throwing up a lot after I had eaten and there was something wrong with my digestive system so I had tests done and they thought that I had Stomach Emptying Delay). I knew you had been throwing up when I found bits of sick in your toys when you was younger but thought it was due to what you had been seeing the specialist for. If I'm honest I never linked it to thinking you may have had an eating disorder.
In case anybody that is reading this is worried a family member may have an eating disorder, looking back now do you recognise any warning signs that you didn't realise were there at the time?
Yeah loads. Once you find out the actual issue every thing just connects. For example you coming home from school in a jumper in the summer with a bright red face when it was boiling outside and your room used to smell bad and we didn't know why.
When did it first hit you how bad I had actually gotten?
Looking at photos you had printed out the other week made every thing come back seeing how small you had gotten but before that when I came to pick you up from uni and you'd hide under baggy dresses and jumpers thinking I couldn't tell but I would notice when I would hug you. Also when you went back to uni and uploaded photos of your nights out and I could see that you were getting skinnier especially one of you in a blue skirt and white top (Photo below, excuse that it is blurred and the caption). I realised how bad the situation was when I took part in the parent and carers group because they explained what the problem was in more detail and how badly it would be affecting you and they taught me how to deal with it and make it easier for you.
Did you understand it and did you think it was something I would easily be able to get over with help?
I knew from the start that you'd never get over it fully and it would always be there but hoped that you'd learn how to cope with it and fight your way through it, with us their to help you.
Do you think that it affected our home life once you all found out about it?
Yes. It was hard trying to help your brother too. We knew he understood and he was good at dealing with it but it was difficult when buying food because he had to have a box for his chocolate upstairs because we didn't know how you would react having junk food in the house. We didn't know if you was going to be upset or angry. When you would come back from uni we would have a clear out and would stop buying fizzy pop so that you had no empty bottles to be sick in. Your dad found it hard not having you here and thats why every time he spoke to you on the phone he would ask what you had eaten for your tea, it was worrying. We had to learn to try have a tolerance to it and be patient with you and let you deal with things at your own pace. Thats why I found those groups helped because I couldn't talk to people about it as much as I wanted to so I found it helpful to talk to people going through similar things to us.
Did you know anything about eating disorders before all of this happened?
Only really what you read in magazines. I read a lot of magazines and theres always other peoples stories in them.
What was the Hardest part of it all for you?
Not having you here and you being at uni. Not being able to be there for you when things were getting on top of you and not being able to just give you a cuddle but we didn't want you to drop out of uni because you had come so far. It was difficult having to see you deteriorating over photos you'd upload to Facebook but I also wanted to see you upload them so I could keep a check on you.
How did you deal with it/what helped you through it?
The parents and carers groups. Support from the rest of the family like your grandparents. Knowing you had a good group of friends around you that I could also talk to. Being able to phone Chloe and text Sham (my housemates). I felt like I could talk to them to find out if you was okay or if you had been locking yourself away in your room again. It was also helpful knowing that I had their numbers and they had mine in case they started to notice things too.
Did you ever blame yourself?
Yes. I blamed myself for not noticing and asked myself many a time how could I not have noticed.
Are you now able to recognise when I'm starting to relapse into old behaviours?
Yes, I think. You're a lot more honest about things with me now. I would like to think that you know you can come to me when you're struggling and that we can help each other through it.
Do you have any advice for other parents/carers?
Seek professional help immediately. Be patient and understanding. Don't push them to your pace, they need to do it at their own pace and it won't happen over night. Be prepared to be in it for the long haul. You might have a quiet couple of months and then something can trigger them but hopefully you will have built up a trust with each other so that they feel they can come to talk to you and you can work through it together.
I hope some of you reading this may have found it helpful and if there is any other questions you have for me or my mum leave them in the comments :)
Lorna
xxx
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