So… I am currently sat on a beach in Santa Eulalia Ibiza with my full fat coke and a chocolate ice cream watching "Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates" from my film downloads and guess what? 

I AM IN A BIKINI!

No I don't have a cover up on. No I'm not wearing high waisted shorts with it to hide my stomach and I am laid on the towel not using it to wrap myself up in. 

This is the first time in years that I have gone on holiday and not starved/purged for weeks leading up to it.  Its the first time in years I've gone on holiday and allowed myself to have swimwear on without something else on top. I used to sit with dresses on over the top or I would wear shorts and a top even when I felt faint from being too warm. 

In the past I wouldn't allow myself to eat without being sick after if I knew a holiday was coming up and I would restrict a lot, telling myself that when I got on holiday I would feel comfortable enough to just wear the bikini. This never happened. I always felt uncomfortable and like I had to hide because my eating disorder would tell me people were disgusted by me. 

I also used to not eat when on holiday because I didn't want to end up bloating but this holiday I've ordered anything I wanted without a second thought and finished the lot of it. Ive had four pizzas in 7 days and I've enjoyed every single one of them as I sit around the table with my family that have helped me to get this far into my recovery. Last night I did not have to worry about when I could disappear to the toilet. Instead we disappeared to cocktail bars and laughed and talked all night.

Right now I'm sat on this beach surrounded by people of all shapes and sizes and NONE of them give a shit about if I'm wearing a bikini or not! They're all enjoying their own holidays not worrying about what I look like. They're too busy reading books, building sandcastles and swimming… What a holiday should be. Everyone should feel comfortable enough to wear what they want to the beach. You don't spend all that money on a holiday to sit and worry the whole time and Im glad I've finally realised this.

 I am so proud of the fact I've actually got use out of all the bikinis I've bought in the past 😂

If any of you have holidays coming up, I hope you have a lovely time and don't let your eating disorder interrupt your fun. 

                                                           Lorna

                                                              xxx